Everyone shut up. David Cameron allegedly had sex with a pig's severed head.

In a new book, Call Me Dave, veteran political journalist Isabel Oakeshott and Tory Peer and Pollster The Baron Michael Ashcroft (because of course the nobility is involved) have alleged that as part of a bizarre college ritual, Prime Minister David Cameron committed an act of necrophillic bestiality. The initiation was for the Piers Gaveston society, one of a number of extremely exclusive rich-boy fraternities called "Dining Clubs." Cameron was also a member of the Bullingdon Club, which has a reputation for dressing up in white tie tuxedos, going to restaurants, and then trashing them, simply because the 1% can get away with that sort of thing.

To quote Jon Oliver "That is the face of a man who fast-forwards through the servant parts of Downton Abbey."

Here's what makes this especially newsworthy:

The PM who is alleged to have comitted a sex act with the severed head of a dead pig is the same man who banned female ejaculation and facesitting from UK pornography.

Once again: (alleged) ritualistic pig fucking: good. Sex acts in pornography depicting women enjoying sex: bad. And just to dive a little bit deeper into that policy, the reason that female ejaculation is banned is because the UK government doesn't recognize that it actually exists. They have declared that the female orgasm is completely made up, and that female ejaculation is just peeing. Which is also banned from pornography.

But again, judging from their twitter feeds in support of the Prime Minister, tories are totally OK with ritualistic pig necrophilia.

The Prime Minister so far has refused to comment, but even the BBC has been dragged into the discussion.

So this is a mess.

This is a complete mess.

And it's the best thing ever, because it's win win!

If it's true, David Cameron is totally fucked and will probably have to resign. Especially since he's been an anti-pornography sort of moral crusader. If it's false, then a right wing journalist, a Baron, and possibly the Daily Mail are fucked. Remember, the Daily Mail is the newspaper that wrote "Hurrah for the Blackshirts" in the 1930s, and supported a fascist UK. So this isn't something that came out of left field.

In retrospect, I guess we should have realized there was something deeply wrong with the UK. Remember the old nursery rhyme?

This little piggy went to market,
This little piggy stayed home,
This little piggy had roast beef,
This little piggy's corpse was allegedly desecrated by the Prime Minister in a bizarre 1%er initiation ritual

Now every left wing journalist and tweep is going to spend the next ten or so days straining to invent new pork puns, and trying to find out just how many times and different ways they can say the words "Allegedly""Ritualistic Pig Sex" and "David Cameron" in the same broadcast.

This is even more bizarre, because "The Prime Minister of the UK has sex with a pig" is the premise of the first episode Black Mirror, written by Charlie Brooker, who is surprised that his dark satire is accidentally a documentary.

Shit. Turns out Black Mirror is a documentary series.

— Charlie Brooker (@charltonbrooker) September 20, 2015

Just to clear it up: nope, I’d never heard anything about Cameron and a pig when coming up with that story. So this weirds me out.

— Charlie Brooker (@charltonbrooker) September 20, 2015

Just been nosing through old Black Mirror files now, of course. pic.twitter.com/6Xhuhby0Gj

— Charlie Brooker (@charltonbrooker) September 20, 2015

Perhaps the least prescient line from the script. pic.twitter.com/xrXZ3tsaW3

— Charlie Brooker (@charltonbrooker) September 20, 2015

And then there's the old Churchill quote: "I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals."

Ugh. Tories, people. Tories.

Oh, and keep in mind, Jeremy Corbyn, leader of the Labour Party, became a vegetarian after working on a pig farm and observing cruelty to pigs.

So there's that.

And also this, because the Tories were looking for a new logo anyway: